


can I make any place my home?

by melbopo



Series: Allie's AU [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Bisexual Jace Wayland, Established Relationship, Family Feels, Identity Stress, Jace Wayland is a Lightwood, Jewish Simon Lewis, Latinx Simon Lewis, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mention of Xenophobia, Not Beta Read, Pansexual Simon Lewis, References to Depression, Simon-centric, dinner date, fluffy and soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-11-04 04:21:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10983291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melbopo/pseuds/melbopo
Summary: On the days that Simon feels a little more distant, a little lesspresentthan usual, he treats himself to this delicious Cuban restaurant on the corner of 52nd and Broadway that reminds him of loud, warm nights surrounded by plenty of food, lots of family, and joyous laughter. Tonight, he decides to be vulnerable by sharing this important part of his world with his boyfriend.





	can I make any place my home?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alecmagnu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alecmagnu/gifts).



> Here's the one AU I've written that no one asked for a continuation and yet here it is!! (lol i'm sry!!!) Simon is a character who I love a whole lot, cry about often, and identify with strongly. I literally woke up at 2am and outlined this fic because I really wanted this narrative to exist and I hope you like it as much as I liked writing it!
> 
> This fic is a belated birthday gift to the Luke of my life, Allie, [who tweeted about the lack of Jimon fics that acknowledge Simon's identities or how much Jace adores Simon](https://twitter.com/haroldshumjr/status/865611808970878977) and I hope this fic touches upon both of those topics to her enjoyment!  
> -Allie my love, I know you were apprehensive about your birthday but I hope all the love and support you've received has made you excited and eager for all that the year ahead will bring! I hope you like this new installment in the 'Allie AU' aka the Never Say Never Universe. You deserve nothing but the best and I hope this present shows that ❤️
> 
>  
> 
> [Also shout out to this awesome tutorial about how to code texts in your fics!!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6434845/chapters/14729722)

 

Simon’s walking back from his quick afternoon errand when his phone vibrates in his pocket, signalling a new text. He reaches in to pull out his rainbow striped with a white Star of David cased phone, glancing briefly at the screen to see who's trying to communicate with him. At the sight of his boyfriend’s name, he stops walking, making sure to stand off to the side and out of the way of the flow of traffic so he can read the details of the message.

Jace Lightwood  
  
Hey babe how does you, me, a large bag of popcorn, and an even larger bag of peanut m&ms at the midnight premiere of Wonder Woman with my sister and her gf sound?  
Sounds cool  
**Today** 10:02 AM  
How are you doing babe? Things still busy? I miss you and was hoping we could get dinner soon  


Simon winces with guilt at Jace’s message, a clear attempt at consideration for Simon’s schedule but also making his absence known since they haven’t met up in almost a week. He looks up at their last conversation from two days ago, the last time they talked, when Simon gave a lackluster response of _‘Sounds cool’_ to Jace’s double date idea to see the Wonder Woman movie premiere with his sister Izzy and her girlfriend. In the past nine months of their dating, this isn’t the longest they’ve gone without seeing each other nor texting, but this time it feels different. Simon _knows_ it’s different. It’s an empty silence that’s unlike any they’ve had before, including the seven months they were friends. And Simon knows it’s from his short, vacant attitude the past two to three weeks with an unsure Jace trying to navigate this widening space between them in the least pressuring way possible. Simon doesn’t mean to create this distance between, doesn’t mean to overflow his inner turmoil of feelings onto Jace -perhaps it is a subconscious attempt to wear out and sink their relationship. But this pulling away happens sometimes when Simon retreats in himself, loses track of time, stops feeling quite _here_.

Jace and him still have a relatively new relationship so they haven’t discussed mental health but it’s something Simon is cognizant of for both of them. Even from this text and previous messages or snaps from over the weeks, Simon knows that Jace is too. It’s actually refreshing to be given space instead of extra attention. That realization renews Simon’s energy a little, grounding him for the first time in weeks from that positive feeling. Simon’s only plan for the night is dinner at his favorite restaurant that he tends to treat himself to for a delicious depression dinner. He misses Jace’s teasing, soft smile, and just _him_ as a whole so he invites Jace to join him before he can overthink it. Jace responds in less than a minute and Simon smiles at his enthusiasm, looking forward to socializing for a change, especially with his boyfriend.

\-------

Simon’s grateful he had the foresight to make a reservation for dinner. Even though it’s already 8pm, it’s a Saturday and the place is a flurry of activity, people at every table and more parties waiting the thirty plus minutes for a table. The hostess leads them to the only two person table against the wall but with a great view of the band that plays every night until the wee hours of the morning. Simon watches with a small smile as Jace’s keen eyes scan the room many times over, taking in the band, ambience, and artwork. “This place is so popular but I’ve never even heard of it - how did you find it?”

Simon chuckles to himself as they sit down, “from one of the worst first dates I’ve ever been on actually.”

Jace smirks, sensing a story in those words as he prods, “oh yeah?”

“Oh yeah - my date picked this place because they love Mexican food.” Simon says with a shake of his head. Jace swivels his head to the various paintings with Cuban flags and maps, “but this is a Cuban restaurant, right?”

Simon raises an eyebrow as he nods, “Exactly. But don’t worry, all Latin American food is the same…” He finishes with an eyeroll that causes Jace to bark out a laugh around the words, “oh no”. Simon leans forward over the table, as if to share a secret. “Oh it gets even better…” Jace leans in closer too, drawn in by the playful tilt in Simon’s voice. “Before I get to finish enjoying my delicious meal, they ask me if I’m going to talk dirty in Spanish to them later in bed that night.”

“Oh god no.” Jace pulls back quickly, his face contorted in a combination of shock and disgust that makes Simon laugh. Relieved that Jace recognizes on some level that latinx fetishization exists and is gross as well as an inaccurate generalization of Simon, whom Jace knows, from first hand experience, has an arsenal of dirty talk comprised of bad puns, pop culture references, and soft honesty. “Needless to say, they never got anything from me after that but I found this great Cuban restaurant that feels like home. I haven’t tried everything on the menu, but everything I have tried has been great and the portions are big.”

“I’m glad you found a new favorite restaurant out of that shitty date.” Jace redirects his attention to the menu in his hand, a sheet of paper rubber banded to a clipboard. “Do you want to split something then? Like a main meal and a… I think that says shared plates?”

Every time they go out, they always end up sharing their food but Jace asks every time just the same, apprehensive that this time might be the first that Simon says no. Simon nods his head, “Sounds perfect.”

“No food allergies and no pork, right?” Jace asks for confirmation like Simon has been managing to hide a shellfish allergy the whole time they've known each other, "right."

Jace is the first partner Simon’s ever had that actively remembers he doesn’t eat pork. Over the summer, Simon even noticed the hot dogs in Jace’s fridge were replaced by kosher all beef ones for their weekly grilled potluck dinners with friends -small, quiet signs of Jace’s attentiveness and care. Simon puts his menu to the side, “I’m craving seafood so I have an entree in mind, if you want to pick the appetizer.”

Jace nods his head in agreement, his eyes glued to the menu as he contemplates this very important decision. He looks back up at Simon, “how about Caleta? Cay-leta? Ca-lee-ta? Cal-e-tah?”

Simon smiles as Jace works through different pronunciations of the name before resorting back to his initial one. He shrugs at Jace’s uncertain gaze, “Your guess is as good as mine. Even though I’m Colombian and Cuban, I don’t actually know spanish,” Simon can’t help but add a little sadly, ”unheard of, I know.”

Simon watches Jace open his mouth to respond but their waitress swoops in asking if they’re ready to place their orders before he has the chance. Simon tries not to die right there on the spot when the waitress repeats back his order of paella de mariscos with the correct pronunciation for clarification but feels a little better when she does the same for Jace before taking their menus and leaving again. The band starts playing a softer ballad about amor in the beat of silence between them.

“Being latinx shouldn’t automatically mean spanish speaker.” Jace finally replies with downturned lips and a small shrug, aware that he’s reiterating a fact that Simon lives and breathes daily. “Izzy only starting learning spanish in high school.”

“What about Alec?” Simon asks, always curious about Jace’s family, especially his siblings of whom he is so incredibly fond. Jace chuckles slightly as he leans forward, arms crossed on the table. “Alec’s not actually latinx, he’s white.”

Simon’s face scrunches in confusion, “But he’s Izzy’s brother? They even look alike.” Jace nods confirmation which really doesn’t help understanding the situation. “They’re actually half siblings - Rob had Alec with another woman right before he started dating Maryse. Rob adopted him then Maryse did too when they got married. Alec, Izzy and I have always been close - being half siblings or adopted never impacted our relationship.”

“That’s awesome that you three always had each other growing up.” Evenings he gets to spend with Jace and his siblings are glimpses into rare moments that all three have their guards down, feeling comfortable and supported by each other’s presence.

“Yeah it was nice but it wasn’t enough to stop classmates from bullying Izzy about not speaking spanish, about not being latina _enough_.” Jace says as he looks down at the table to rearrange his silverware, thin layer of protective anger covering his words as if he holds some part of himself responsible for not being able to stop the bullying. Though Simon is sure that he tried, that they all tried.

“That’s how it makes me feel a lot of the time actually -without anyone bullying me about it.” Simon adds, coming to terms with the fact that that is the simplest, most encompassing way to explain that feeling. Jace looks up at Simon, his blue heterochromatic eyes tracing over Simon’s face for something, for something like permission to hear more, “Oh yeah?”

It’s that simple prod, like the opening of a door at a crowded function to a new empty room, giving Simon the space and attention to continue. He looks to the live band as he scratches the minimal hair on his chin, that he hasn’t had the energy to shave, debating for a moment if he really wants to share this bit of himself with Jace right now. They're in public and their relationship is still so new. It’s also directly correlated to the reason he’s been distant lately which makes it feel even bigger than usual and he doesn’t want to scare Jace away. Simon looks back into Jace’s patiently waiting face, open and attentive and he’s hit with realization that he not only trusts Jace with his vulnerability but that he wants to talk about it with hi, that he wants to take this next step in their relationship -god, he’s falling deeply in love with Jace.

“When I was little and lived closer to my extended family, in Florida, I used to speak spanish. Well a mix of spanish and english. But when we moved here for my mom’s job, a doctor told my family the reason I wasn’t making friends in preschool and my sister couldn’t read chapter books was because being bilingual was confusing for us -that speaking both spanish and english would hold us back intellectually.” Simon pauses, the wrongness of that story never quite fitting in his mouth no matter how many times he’s tried to explain his situation.

“That’s ridiculous though - all research shows that being multilingual improves children’s academic intelligence,” Jace counters, aggravation on behalf of Simon evident in his voice.

“Yes, but what validity is there in that research to a xenophobic society? And, how are you going to tell scared parents, that have left their communities for 'better' opportunities, that a licensed medical professional is wrong? That speaking spanish isn’t holding my sister and I back, but maybe the transition to a new environment?” They are all tired counter questions that Simon has grappled with over the years as he’s matured and better understood the circumstance. Jace purses his lip, knowing full well he can’t argue enough in the present to change past. He nods his head sadly, allowing Simon to keep going.

“We stopped speaking spanish at home but still around family when we visited Florida. But then my dad passed away so we stopped visiting Florida which means that we stopped speaking spanish. And I lost most of it...though if I have an idea of the topic, sometimes I can pick up bits of a conversation but honestly, just the sound of people speaking spanish comforts me. It's part of the reason why I love this restaurant.” Simon’s gaze drifts to the other patrons in the restaurant around them. “I feel comforted and yet homesick when I’m here - the atmosphere reminds me of memories from my childhood, of a time when I never questioned if I was latinx _enough_.”

Being enough of anything is such an arbitrary measure and Simon _knows_ that but it doesn’t make it any easier to quiet his anxieties. Not Cuban _enough_. Not Colombian _enough._ Never Colombian and Cuban _enough_ to be latinx. Definitely too different culturally to be American, well _white_ American. Not that he resents his parents an ounce for his childhood or the hard decisions they must’ve made moving to a new state, far away from their family and support system. He admires his mom every day for her strength and dedication to stay in New York after her husband passed, to give her kids, her world, the best education and best life she could. Sometimes it just gets hard, draining his energy completely, this lack of belonging, of feeling rooted, of… of what exactly he can’t place his finger on but it’s something he feels viscerally in the center of his chest. He doesn’t think there is a word in english that really articulates that feeling well but when it becomes too much to bare, he retreats to this restaurant.  
Maybe that word exists in spanish; one day he’ll find it and it’ll be like placing the final jigsaw piece in a thousand piece puzzle that he’s worked at for years: pure bliss.

Even just talking about this identity related stress and putting these thoughts that’ve been rattling around in his brain for weeks out in the open, makes the weight he feels in his chest a little lighter Simon catalogues as he refocuses his eyes on Jace.

“I think that makes a lot of sense babe. It’s a lot of pressure to label yourself, especially when you use society’s metrics. I’m glad that you’ve found this place that helps with relieving some of that weight and I hope you feel that you can talk through this with me too.” Jace says with so much sincerity that Simon feels choked up about it. He takes a sip of his water, swallowing back down the threatening tears. He nods his appreciation, not trusting his voice to remain steady if he were to speak.

They don’t say much for the next couple of minutes or so, Jace just watching Simon and Simon watching him back. Jace moves his foot to rest his calf against Simon’s, a small physical reminder that he’s there, listening and supporting him. Simon fears for a split second that he made the mood too dark for the upbeat music playing behind him, too heavy for their still developing relationship. Jace doesn’t seem uncomfortable though, his gaze nothing short of adoring and open, actively listening to all the silent ways in which a person can speak. With all their teasing and eye rolling, it can be hard to believe that Jace is one of the best listeners Simon's has ever met. It’s something that he really loves a lot their relationship: how well they listen to each other, even when they aren’t saying anything at all.

Suddenly an old classic baby blue Chevrolet car hood attached to the wall starts flashing its headlights, the music changes immediately as a small group of staff leave the kitchen carrying a cup of freshly fried churros with a sparkler among them. They sing feliz cumpleaños and clap as they head towards a long table in the corner. After the song ends with a big crescendo, the waitstaff return to their tables or the kitchen as the family digs into their sweet treat. “The decorations here are amazing - especially that car.”

Simon’s eyes follow Jace’s gaze to behind him, where the baby blue car hood is mounted into a wall. Its headlights no longer flashing now that the song is over. He nods his agreeance, “It is really cool.” He turns his attention back onto Jace, his eyes catching on his personal favorite decoration just over Jace’s shoulder. “The bird mural behind you is my favorite.” Jace turns in his seat towards the wall covered in half a dozen or so brightly colored birds that look to be flying through the air, free and so full of life.

“I saw a parrot when I was waiting for the train in Brooklyn the other day.” Simon adds a little delayed, suddenly not feeling quite there in the restaurant with Jace. His mind already some place else, like back in that train station.

“At a subway station?” Jace parrots back, surprise coloring his words. Simon nods his head, eyes still distant and trained on the paintings of the birds on the wall over Jace’s shoulder. “What a weird place to see tropical birds.”

“It made me want to call my abuela to tell her because I knew she’d love it.” Simon’s mind is already somewhere else again, replaying some other moment, one much deeper in his memory bank. “When my family first moved to New York, I’d call her every week and she’d describe to me all the birds she saw that week.” Simon can almost hear her voice in that restaurant right there, talking all about magnificently colored birds. “When I was little, I had one of those [ illustrated encyclopedia books of birds ](https://www.dk.com/uk/9781405362917-the-illustrated-encyclopedia-of-birds/) that I loved more than anything. The nights when my abuela watched me were my favorite because she would point out all the birds she remembers from Cuba and around Miami... I’m not sure if I really loved birds or just those moments with her.” Simon pauses to think on it for a second, the answer always a muddled combination of both factors. The answer eludes him still. “So when we moved away, that’s how my abuela and I kept in touch. I’d tell her about school and she’d tell me about all the birds she saw.” He feels something against his calf; Jace’s small movement, reminding Simon that he’s listening and anchoring him back to this moment. Simon’s eyes refocus on Jace’s open face, absorbing every word that’s pouring out of Simon’s mouth. He’s surprised to find that he’s not embarrassed about the rambling, bittersweet memory but rather feels something closer to relief. “Even though she passed away over 10 years ago, whenever I see birds, especially tropical ones, I think of her.” Simon says on one out breathe, finally releasing that caged burden from his chest for the first time. “Is that weird?”

Jace smiles, placing his hand over Simon’s as he begins to fidget with his utensils when Jace’s tender gaze becomes too much in the vulnerable moment. Jace’s hand is warm, steady, and _there_ as he shakes his head back and forth “No - not at all. She sounds amazing and probably loves it.”

From anyone else, Simon would have disregarded the Hallmark card present tense response but with Jace’s hand on his and an open look in his eyes, Simon knows the sincerity he hears is real. It makes his stomach flutter with warmth at being actively heard and grateful to be able to share this personal story with Jace. It makes the lull in their conversation feel natural, giving time for Simon’s story and Jace’s words to settle while they trade warm looks across the table from each other.

The food arrives shortly after their quiet little moment and both of them dig into the food quickly to see if it really does taste as good as it smells. And it is. Simon smiles with pride every time Jace groans around a new bite or combination of food, taking culinary creativity upon himself to mix the flavors from their dishes. He even lets Jace feed him a bite of ‘the perfect ratio’ of fried plantains, shredded beef, rice and shrimp from across the table. It’s a move that's disgusting cute in a way that is usually reserved only for heterosexual couples and Simon loves Jace’s lack of hesitancy to reclaim it for them. And Simon has to agree, the flavors compliment each other surprisingly well even if the ratio wasn’t _exactly_ perfect. Jace’s full body laugh at Simon’s teasing can barely be heard by the other patrons over the live music, a reminder to Simon of how well _they_ compliment each other. The rest of their meal is spent half competing to create that perfect bite.

Simon watches with a soft smile on his lips as Jace signs the check, claiming it was consolation for losing the competition, across the table from him. Simon feels full, warm, and so at ease in their own little corner of the world in this Cuban restaurant that he finds himself sharing another quiet secret, “Some of the flavors are familiar but none of the meals.” Jace looks up the check as he places it on the table. Simon shrugs, feeling compelled from Jace’s gaze to keep going. “Which makes sense since I never knew the names of dishes at family gatherings and my mom worked full time so she rarely cooked. She would always say that nothing she ever made tasted as good as her mom's cooking.” 

Jace breathes out a small chuckle. He tilts his head to the side as he asks, “Have you ever brought your mom or sister here?”

“No… I haven’t…” Simon says slowly as he takes in Jace’s question.

Jace’s smile is warm, as he remarks, “Isn’t Rebecca’s birthday next month? She’d love the birthday sparklers.”

“Yeah, she would.” Simon says, realization dawning on him for the first time. This Cuban oasis has been something he kept to himself, hesitant to share with the very people that probably understand that feeling, that unnameable, suffocating weight that seems lighter when he’s here, better than most. “They’d love it.”

Unaware of how his simple question is like a rising sun, finally lifting the dense fog Simon’s felt lost in for the past weeks, Jace excuses himself to the bathroom. Simon takes it as a sign to act on this new idea, shooting a text to his mom and sister saying he knows the perfect Cuban restaurant for them to go for his sister’s birthday. His mom texts back quickly, asking if they have seafood paella because she’s been craving it lately. Simon grins down at his phone as he types out an affirmative, recognizing the word paella from the menu as what he ordered for Jace and him because he too was craving seafood and rice.

Even with a Simon’s stomach full to the point of regret, he can still notice that a small weight is lifted from his chest, that exhausting, abstract feeling of _enough_  that he grapples with regularly (and probably will for his whole life) but still can’t quite name, feels lighter than it did before this meal -before the laughter, the shared smiles, the vulnerability. Jace returns from the bathroom and offers his hand to Simon as he pockets his rainbow Star of David cased phone, pinging with excited messages about the birthday dinner from his family. As they exit the restaurant, hand in hand, Simon notices some older couples dancing in their own little world in the area in front of the bar. He thinks that maybe next time they’ll even try to learn to dance, a prospect that fills him with excitement to share this place, instead of keep it to himself, with those that he loves most in life.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes I know aspects of this story are unrealistic~ but the parrots in the subway of NYC is REAL, so is the restaurant described but it's in Boston not NYC (tho the cuban restaurant at the NYC address provided is supposed to be a+), and my depressed ass talks about mental health things in public sometimes cause I just gotta get it out of me.
> 
> Lastly, this fic is a present but it is also discusses some really important topics to me. I tried to tackle the complicated relationship people, such as Simon, can have with identity and being "enough" of any one identity. I modeled that struggle off my personal experiences as a white first gen american and that of other first gen, especially latinx first gens, but I am truly sorry if you feel that it was executed poorly or in away that you do not identify with or if you think it is wrong (I will rework it and/or take it down if I truly missed the mark at al!!!). I find that it is a really hard feeling to put into words but the more I talk about it, the more comfortable I feel in that uncertainty because I also know that I am not just enough, I am more than enough.  
> I'd love to know what YOU think in the comments (&YES i will reply!! Im sorry i usually dont cause I hoard the comments to make me smile) or on tumblr [@mel-iorn](https://mel-iorn.tumblr.com/ask).  
> xoxo
> 
>  
> 
> [this graphic is now on tumblr!](https://mel-iorn.tumblr.com/post/161026717241/can-i-make-any-place-my-home-a-38k-dinner-date)


End file.
